HAVING THE SAFER SEX CONVO
Modified from Reid Mihalko’s Safer Sex Elevator Speech (www.reidaboutsex.com)
At SexPositive World, we believe it’s best to disclose your STI status and history, and other pertinent things, and then ask the other person, “And you?” We also recommend using a light conversational tone, this will take some of the fear out of it.
A good opener is, “We may decide to change direction, but I like to have the safer sex talk as soon as I feel I might be moving toward a sexual connection with someone. If you don’t mind, I’d like to share my Safer Sex Speech. How do you feel about that?”
(If they don’t feel good about it, don’t have the talk, and DON’T have sex with them!)
Here's what to say:
1. The most important thing to tell someone is what the meaning would be for you to have sex with them, and find out theirs. If you both have something very different in mind (you a fun time, them a life-time partnership) you should not proceed to any of the following questions.
2. When you were last tested for STDs, what you got tested for, and the status of those tests?
3. Your current relationship status and what, if any, relationship agreements you have that they should know about?
4. Tell them if you have sex with men, women, both?
5. Your safer sex protocols and needs? (This varies for everyone, depending on risk tolerance – older people, not of childbearing years and with strong immune systems may have a higher risk tolerance than someone who, catches every cold and has already had 10 STI’s or is planning to have children.)
6. Any risky sexual things you’ve done since you were last tested.
7. What past trauma you have, and whether you consider yourself a survivor or a PTSD sufferer – this could be important to avoid triggering and would let them know that special attention should be paid to communication.)
8. One thing you know you don’t like sexually (or that you aren’t up for today).
9. Last step: ask the other person, “And how about you?” and listen to what they say and how they say it…