by Nicki Wick (Wicked)
This is a list of questions to consider asking a new or potential interest in your life, about the dynamic you are about to build. In the monogamous world, there are few people to think about in forming your new relationship, beyond the two of you. But often in non-monogamy, not only are you thinking about your metamour(s), but also society itself and how it sees you and your dynamic.
The societal aspect affects some less than others, but remember; if it affects your new partner, it ultimately affects you as well. It is not recommended that ALL the questions be asked, and certainly not all at once. Better to choose the questions that matter to you the most.
Lastly, try to be prepared to ANSWER these questions, so you can start an open dialogue.
- Do you practice hierarchy?
- If so, which kind of hierarchy do you practice (prescriptive or descriptive)?
- Are you married/do you ever want to get married?
- Do you have/want kids?
- How would you feel about ME having kids, now or in the future?
- Would you ever want to cohabitate?
- Do you have a primary? If so:
- What kind of dynamic do you and your primary have in regards to dating outside of each other?
- Do you have a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy?
- Do you have veto power?
- If so, is there a statute of limitations?
- Are certain pet names off the table for me?
- Are certain sex acts off the table for me?
- Am I allowed to make contact with your primary or other partners?
- Are there certain events that are saved for your primary only?
- Are you open and public about your non-monogamy? If so:
- do you have any restrictions regarding interaction on social media?
- Do you want only one or more than one serious relationship?
- What terms do you use for people you’re involved with (lover, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, anchor, satellite, primary, secondary, tertiary) and what do the terms you use mean to you?
- How often would you like to spend time with me?
- Are there special days you wouldn’t typically be available to me (holidays, weekends, Tuesdays)?
- Do you have sleepovers?
- Do you do compartmentalized dating, kitchen table poly or something in between?
- What are your safer sex practices?
- Are spontaneous meetups possible?
- Would we be able to go on a trip together in the future?
Although some of these questions will be to some people, none of them are meant to be deal breakers. They are simply meant to give you an understanding of what to expect (and what NOT to expect) from the person with whom you may become involved. By knowing from the beginning that certain aspects are not possible, you will have the opportunity to avoid surprise and hurt feelings. You will know where the glass ceilings are, and you can navigate them, as opposed to unintentionally running into them.