(From a Facebook thread)
What do you look for in someone wanting to serve you?
Wry started the conversation by posting this:
Some very fascinating BDSM and specifically D/s conversation was had when Freya Wilder posted this… I wonder where the conversation will go on my wall:
“As a Dom/Domme- what would you like to see more of on a submissives resumes? Things that you would value as a Dom. Doms and Dommes – most of you have spent hundreds if not thousands of hours learning your skills and thousands of dollars paying for classes/education and tools/toys. What do you look for in someone wanting to serve you?
As I would think “hi, I’m new to BDSM and you have to teach me EVERYTHING” is less appealing that a submissive who “hi I’m newer to BDSM but have taken courses in: cooking, ironing men’s shirts, submission classes, communication classes etc…”
Mlejnas Tryptic: If I were a Dom…
If I were a Dom I would have them 1. write a 1k to 3k essay on something they feel strongly about, 2. tell me a joke 3. have reveal something about that makes them feel vulnerable, 4. talk about what they think their kinks represent, 5. ask them why they like me, and 6. then after 2-3 dates be a bit if bitch to them.
- Their opinion on any matter will help me evaluate their personality and moral conscience. I would look for word clusters which coincide w Big 5 Personality Traits and Moral Foundations Theory to evaluate and form a hypothesis about who they actually are. For instance words and modals associated w compliance may mean they rank high for Loyalty and AgreeablenessAgreeableness is associated w people who like to do the dishes. Loyalty means I can use their desire to be in an ingroup to do what I want. Of course w loyalty in particular comes the threat of betrayal, and should they show signs of neuroticism they may very well be needy and have codependency issues
- Jokes whether they are funny or not show the assumptions that go on into how they perceive truth. Incongruities which people feel superior to inform me their assumptions about the world, and maybe even people because everyone is a little bit prejudice.
- I’m looking for lies. Everybody lies, the question is to what degree. Transparency is important, and we should all strive I think for radical honesty. But using the criteria for unreliable narrator I can in written words perhaps gauge what they are lying about, and form hypothesis as to possibly why.
- Here I’m evaluating emotional intelligence, and how aware they are of their kinks and maybe willing to go w me.
- What do you want me for boy? If you feed me compliments and they feel good that means you like me, now what does liking me entail? All our attachment styles are self-serving and a little bit crazy, let me see your selfish crazy by how you think you want me.
- By being a bitch I can see how they’ll handle conflict, and whether or not they’re invested enough in me to work on O/our relationship.
Thus spake the sub.
Mlejnas Tryptic: “Being a sub actually takes skill…”
“So I had think about this but being a sub actually takes skill.
Oh but wait most sub classes are for het women… k.
Our culture is kind of exclusive. Also being gendered as male but sexually submissive is a shitfest a lot of people don’t acknowledge. I wouldn’t be this way if I could be any other. But fuckenstances have dicktated that I should get my rocks off to being dominated. And it’s horrible.
But wait I’m pretty much trans sans the hormones but I guess I’m a dude because intersectionality hasn’t apparently hit the BDSM community. I dunno it’s like we’re on an island somewhere…
When I get lectured on colonialism by a white trans kinkster maybe there’s a problem… When I get ghosted by a white Dominant in spite of the fact that I can actualize the evidence of my being communicative but poly hierarchies won’t even allow me an hour of time, maybe there’s a problem.
Subs w actual skillsets get shit on. And I bear the burden of proving myself because it’s not like we can approach each other as people from a stance of emotional equity. Nope. That ain’t D/s or something.
I feel you on what you’re saying. But our pedagogy leaves a cubic metric fuckload to be desired.
I dunno it’s as if as Audre Lorde might have put it the “Master’s tools” were put to use to “dismantle the Master’s house” and here we are miserable while those who profit off a system remain profitable.
Maybe if we, dunno, approached this as a relationship which fulfills each other’s emotional needs that we express through a love language of D/s we might have something.
That said, this is where I get lectured about being stupid, likely by some hateful white person.”
Mlejnas Tryptic: “Playing with oppression”
Thought I was done but, nope…
This may come as a surprise to some of you but kink is basically playing w oppression.
Can we quit w this 50 shades shit that is a watered down version of leather culture that was first learned from gay military dudes in biker clubs not trying to get killed for being gay and then having to deal w AIDS?
D/s could be about psychodramas and complex attachment styles as expressed through love languages, and dialects of consent, but then again it’s always the Doms who do the talking.
As far as wisdom goes, Berlin Wisdom Paradigm… Humanistic Psychology, quantifiable, based on actual research.
Lastly, it’s playing w oppression. Like the fact that D/s builds a sense in intersubjectivity only further demonstrates the power of what we are playing with.
Did you know the first instance of European Guilt was created during the Spanish Inquisition? Prior to that, Fama – a concept similar to shame but where nature essentially rejected those without virtue (think witches and dunking stools) was largely in vogue. European Guilt emerged out of forcing a person to figure out what they were accused of through imprisonment and torture. Moral of the story is that subjectivity and emotions are informed in part through historical and social apparatuses.
And btw the Spanish Inquisition was less about religion and more about the ruling class at the time consolidating power from an emerging mercantile class and the Jewish communities. But let’s not blow y’alls mind w the subjective implications of that shit.
Kink can be a dialogue about emotions, both as they are defined within our cultural verbage, as well as something radically other to our societal understanding. Who knows maybe through kink we can talk about things like emotions, ie a form of intelligence using predictive simulations of the world we find ourselves in, for a more equitable society.
That sounds like wisdom to me.
About Wry: Having gained experience in multiple forms of non-monogamous relationships since 2002, Ryan “Wry” Mantione advocates being well-informed regarding options and alternatives to a hetero-normative, traditional love life, as well as maintaining dialogue with partners.
Wry has featured as a speaker or panelist at the International Polyamory Conference 2015 at Berkeley, SexPositive L.A.’s Redefining Sex in the 21st Century held at UCLA, Psychology of Close Relationships course at Harvey Mudd College, Infinite Love Community, DomCon LA. Wry blog at Non-Monogamy Consultant.